We are so thankful, and yet my answer to Mary’s question, yesterday, after Mikhail’s departure lingers. “I’m sad, but a little… relieved. How about you?” I said, “I guess so. A little.” We were both somewhat relieved that the ghost who had been occupying one, small room of our home was no longer haunting the house. And yet, at the same time both worried and sad that we had not been able to improve his situation in his three month stay and would now have no opportunity!
The ghosts
Families with a schizophrenic member contend with two ghosts. The ghost of the one that is lost and the one that remains. After the psychotic break, the original person may be gone with a new one taking their place. That is the situation with our son, Patrick/Mikhail. Patrick is gone. Every day we pray for his return. And Mikhail remains, wearing Patrick’s face, but with an entirely different set of attitudes, beliefs, etc. An entirely new consciousness occupying his body.
A year ago, when we first suffered the break together, we grieved the loss of Patrick. For those who have lost a close family member, we imagine that this experience is not too dissimilar from what happened to you. Except, for us there was no ceremony to ease our transition. No funeral or wake. We didn’t even talk to many people about it. At the time, we didn’t want to expose Patrick’s story. We had hope that a quick recovery would minimize the need to share it without him making that decision himself. Still, we had to process the same kind of loss and deal with the grief that it brings.
We knew immediately several things.
Patrick was gone. He might never come back.
Mikhail needed medical treatment but did not want it.
There was no direct path for us as parents to obtain that assistance for him.
When Patrick was ill as a teenager, the situation was similar. However, at least during those early struggles we knew that we had the option of hospitalizing him, should things become truly dire. We considered doing so at one point when they did. Now that he is an adult, those options are gone. Mikhail must decide for himself that treatment is warranted. But, in his condition he doesn’t believe that he is sick at all. Mentally ill adults in America retain the right to remain deluded.
If Patrick didn’t get help within the year, the chances were quite high that his schizophrenia would remain for the rest of his life. That year is up.
A memoir
Patrick was a happy child. As his disease grew in him, however, he failed to recall those days clearly. We know, too, that he became good at hiding it. Even so.
From 1995 to 2006, Patrick and our family lived mostly in Hillsboro, Oregon. I attended graduate school at the Oregon Health and Science University, née Oregon Graduate Institute, near Portland from 1995 to 2000. After, we made a three-year return to the Tri-Cities, Washington, where Mary and I started our family together and raised our daughter, Amanda. After I graduated in 2003, we returned to Hillsboro, so that I could develop a startup based on my PhD dissertation. We purchased a home in a cul-de-sac full of children Patrick’s age.
Patrick was bright. He consistently excelled scholastically, achieving top marks in class throughout elementary school. As opportunities presented themselves, he entered gifted programs in the communities where we lived.
The three years that we lived in Oregon were an idyl for Patrick. He made “life-long” friends with four other boys his age that all lived within 2 homes of one another. There was a park surrounding the block, a creek in the back yard, and teachers that he loved. It was a perfect home for a child. We all loved that time.
The move and its impact
In 2005, we moved my startup to Seattle to increase the opportunity to obtain funding from venture capital. The family followed in 2006, selling our Hillsboro home and decamping to Bainbridge Island, Washington. We chose Bainbridge for its excellent education system and the opportunity that it presented for Patrick’s future.
The move, however, was decimating for Patrick. He hated the new school and the entitled attitude of many of the students. The loss of his childhood friends hit him hardest. He insisted on our return to Portland or at least his. None of that was possible, but we understood. Upon entering middle school, he immediately began to struggle. It was then that his mental illness first surfaced.
For the ghost that remains
What could we have done? Patrick was gone, but Mikhail lingered. And he moved home, which we were so grateful for. There must be something we can do despite the legal limits.
We did come up with a plan.
Encourage Mikhail to shave and shower and get outside. (This happens rarely.) Ask him to talk to us and dine with us whenever he is comfortable. (This, too, is rare.) Inform him that we want to make sure that he gets the social services he is entitled to. This means establishing and declaring himself a resident. (He doesn’t want to be here.) The hope was that he could then visit a physician and dentist for basic healthcare. And finally, we hope that leads to him finding someone he can trust. For now that isn’t us.
He is clearly uncomfortable living here. In addition to the specific delusions he has regarding Mary and me, his psychosis has convinced him that
The water in the faucet and ordered in plastic containers is poisoned.
Food becomes radioactive from exposure to the refrigerator/freezer.
Since his delusions place him at arms length with us, we rarely get the chance to engage. Indeed, we don’t see him often. At times, late in the evening he stretches his legs, exiting the bedroom, talking and singing. We play sleep sounds in the evening to obtain some rest and he avoids us mostly.
A blessed return
Mikhail returned late last night after 10 hours roaming county roads near our home. He sat outside on the porch alone for 90 minutes before ringing the doorbell. When I opened the door, he said, “Sorry, I was trapped.” Then, grabbed his bag of food and went to bed.
We are so glad that he decided to return home, but have no idea when he will pack his bag and leave again. Hopefully, when he does, the ghost, Mikhail, will ask someone he trusts for help.
I’m am profoundly moved by your courage. The courage to face the complexity of emotions. I do not know if you ever truly heal from what you are going through but I do know if it’s possible, you are on the right path.