Sometime in autumn 2023, our son, Patrick McGee (28), suffered a psychotic break and developed a form of undiagnosed schizophrenia. For those that are not familiar with this condition, schizophrenia and its variants are a kind of mental illness that induces psychosis—a disconnection from reality. Patrick has delusions, visual and audible hallucinations, paranoia, and agitation. His delusions are primarily centered on him, my wife Mary, and me, but extend to anyone that he might have previously counted on for support. As they began to consume him, he dropped out of college—where we believe he was excelling, he broke up with his long-time girlfriend, and he stopped contacting every single one of his family and friends.
The worst news of all
Patrick confronted Mary, me, and his sister Amanda, on January 19, 2023. It was a terrible scene. One day, I may recount it fully. He accused Mary and I of devilish collusion. And that is being generous. Afterwards, he jumped the fence into the neighbors’ property. We called emergency counseling for support.
Then, he hit the road. He was homeless for 12 months. For about half of those, he traveled in his car all over the United States, eventually abandoning it and settling in a community in Northern California. From what he told us, he would spend his days perambulating the outskirts of a small mall. My wife and I supported him financially, transferring funds to his bank account every other day. Watching that account, we could see that he was regularly eating and would occasionally stay in a hotel. He says, his wallet was stolen around Thanksgiving 2023, which made matters far worse and his activities invisible to us.
We were terrified for him, but there was nothing to be done. We no longer knew for certain where he was staying and if we simply showed up, we knew that he would simply tell us to leave.
We lost him!
In mid-January of 2024, Patrick called Mary from a hospital, distraught over his treatment by his new community. He asked to come home and we were thrilled! This meant that he would be safe and healthy, at least physically. We left that very hour to find him and by noon the following day, we had. He has been here since.
Now that he is living here, he spends his days in his room with his delusions, talking or singing to himself. At times in a fantastical language and to a community that only he sees and hears. He may be writing. He asked for and we bought him a digital typewriter. He leaves his room rarely and only when necessary. We mark the positive signs—when he showers, walks outside in the sun, has a meal in the kitchen, and asks to visit the grocer. And, we hope for positive developments—asking to make Washington his official residence, getting a government ID, and obtaining health insurance.
Patrick now calls himself Mikhail. Consequently, so do we. One lesson we have learned from our study of this illness is that family should do their best to avoid confronting their delusions. The other reason is that while in the swamp of his psychosis, Patrick is truly no longer among us. This new person, Mikhail, is not Patrick. It is best that we not forget that. Mikhail is a stranger and doesn’t want us to understand him. The delusions do not allow him to trust us.
He just walked out the door—again
It’s April 23rd. Mikhail grabbed some plastic bags, and threw a few things inside, including snack bars. When his mother asked him if he was leaving, he said yes. When ask why, the answer was “radioactive bugs.” He’s now somewhere in Snohomish county on foot without a plan.
Our plan is to contact local law enforcement and social services so that they are aware. We pray that he will find the help that he needs. We know that we have done everything that we could while he was able to live here.
Why this journal?
We have decided to start this journal for several reasons. First among them is to let those of you that loved Patrick know what has happened. Throughout his sojourn his mother and I were very careful to say nothing about his suffering. However, time is not on Mikhail’s side. His mother and I both hope that we can find someone that he trusts in this world that can enter his and rescue him. It is no longer possible to maintain the facade that nothing is wrong.
Second, our lives have shrunk. We don’t often leave home ourselves. Mikhail has been kind most days, but in rare moments, he can be angry and destructive. We worry about what he might do in our absence. In re-establishing our lives, we have realized that we cannot be as flexible as we once thought. We must conform to the idea of being adult care-givers. In so doing, I needed a way to explain to our friends, job recruiters, and others that need clarity about our living/working situation.
Finally, as we’ve told those close to us what is happening, we often hear “I cannot imagine what you are going through.” I want this blog to explain, so that you do not need to imagine. It won’t be easy to write and it won’t be easy to read. And, it won’t be what Mikhail himself is going through. Someday, maybe he will be able to tell that tale. The best that we can do is share what it’s like for Mary and me with as much sympathy as possible for Mikhail.
Conclusion
The last thing that we want is for Patrick/Mikhail to suffer—not from this disease and not from our accounts of our lives together. However, I’ve become convinced that keeping these stories buried is good for none of us.
Some of you are probably wondering what you could have done or can do? For the former, please understand that schizophrenia is a disease. It can’t be avoided, but it can be treated. Unfortunately, since he is an adult, Mikhail needs to draw that conclusion himself and he is currently convinced, because of his delusions, that he is not ill at all and doesn’t need help from anyone. Since he is reluctant to speak with anyone, other than the friends he entertains in his mind palace, obtaining his consent for treatment is challenging. What can you do? That is hard to answer also. Mikhail avoids electronics and is not on the Internet. He is not aware that his story is public. Those of you that knew him could write letters and post them to us, inquiring about him, absent any mention of his illness. We would be happy to share these with him, when he returns, but make no guarantees that he will respond. If that interests you, please contact us for our home address.
Finally, you can share and subscribe this Substack. I will be posting more of this story as time permits, hoping that it leads to an awakening for us and for him.
Upcoming Issues
“The Troubles”—a recounting of the day our son disowned us.
“The Travels”—the six months we watched Mikhail crisscross America.
“The Return”—how we managed to find a return home with our son, the stranger.
“A Doggone Time”—Rory, our new Boston Terrier puppy, recognizes the demon haunting Mikhail and the demon knows it.
“The Lengthening List of Illogic”—the delusions are not stationery and here I will recount the challenges of living with a paranoid schizophrenic.
And more…
I’m assuming your “Upcoming Issues” are still upcoming? Thank you for your blog. Our son is 26, same diagnosis but has been dealing with this since he was 16. Accepts treatment, never hospitalized, just testing the waters of therapy. The whole “ghost in our house” idea is relatable, but since our son has had this since he was 16, this is our “real” son. It’s hard.